Filial Piety

I believe in filial piety. 

Filial Piety

I love you, grandma

forgive me, grandma

I love you, and forgiveness?

for saying this now

while time is fleeting

when mirrors are dotted with spots where they used to be spotless 

and dust lands on mantles where you never used to let it fall 

while you grow old 

and bones ache that used to feel invisible

for using words like performativity that feel

foreign

I love you, and forgiveness?

for asking if you truly believed you’d been created from the rib of a man 

for wondering why you’d never bless the food

brushing it off like lint on your coat sleeve, whispering, “You’re the man of the house.”

and the soles of the shoes you marched into Church with every Sunday shuttered

they knew that on those days, Grandad stayed home

that you were the one who taught bible study

I love you, and forgiveness?

for asking if you believed praying more would make the gay bleed out of him

for despising the moment you told me I couldn’t climb trees in dresses 

for teaching me how to fight against racialized systems of oppression, 

without showing me the table legs it sat upon

carrying home revelations that hit your ears like nails on a chalkboard 

and when I spoke them, my throat became home to a lump that refused to leave

because I’m picking at places where our souls clash, knowing you constructed my own 

knowing,

you’re the reason I know roots hold up the most beautiful flowers

and that when life happens

you need roots to hold you up

keep you steady

people 

that love you 

who then?

who dares to question how strong roots have always grown? 

flowers

flowers who wish for more sunlight to fight gravity

flowers that want to suck in words that feel foreign and share the water with their roots

sincerely,

your flower

I love you, grandma…

forgive me, grandma